The Love[s] of My Life

I'm interrupting this broadcast of my Morocco journal entries to discuss something far lighter and inconsequential: my current TV crush on Jake Green (played by Skeet Ulrich, who, if you'll kindly notice, "totally looks like" Johnny Depp) of Jericho--the sci-fi drama about the small town of Jericho, Kansas recovering after a series of terrorist attacks in which atomic bombs were dropped on at least 8 US cities.


Now, I missed all this while it was happening but, apparently, last year there was a huge pop cultural backlash when CBS canceled Jericho for the second time, which culminated when an army of outraged fans mailed boxes of peanuts to network executives. Unfortunately, their efforts were to no avail, but the producers are planning to release the show's third season in the form of a graphic novel (lame) and possibly, eventually turn the show into a feature film. But, I digress...

When I started watching Jericho last week, I was in bad shape--coming down after a month-long Mad Men binge--and I needed a quick fix. Little did I know that I had stumbled upon something just as addictive as Lost, if not more so. It gets worse, though. My entire life, I have suffered from an innate ability to develop obsessive crushes on fictional characters in television and movies which have (most embarrassingly) included, but not been limited to, Tom Cruise and a cartoon character. Oh, come on, don't act like Dimitri in Anastasia didn't make you swoon. He was hot and you know it! No? Well, maybe it had more to do with John Cusack's voice--on more than one occasion, Cusack's characters have, in fact, been the object of my desire. (All I can say about Tom Cruise is that I was very young, and it was pre-Katie, pre-Suri and pre-well, everything.) Anyway, I was fairly certain that this summer's Fictional Character Crush was going to be Chris Pine's James Tiberius Kirk, as I have seen Star Trek three times now (yes, I'm that popular), but, alas, the lord moves in mysterious ways. Enter, Jake Green of Jericho.

Jake is just the way I like my Fictional Character Crushes to be--brooding, gun-wielding and kind of dangerous, possibly a little bit crazy and, most of all, fiercely dedicated to his cause, whether it is fighting The Others for survival on a desolate island, caught on an abandoned string in the space-time continuum (Exhibit A), smuggling diamonds out of Africa (Exhibit B), a mission to uncover and reclaim his identity and avenge the death of his beloved (Exhibit C), or fighting crime in Las Vegas while battling a gambling addiction (Exhibit D). Five minutes into Jericho's pilot episode, I pegged Jake as an excellent candidate for my next Fictional Character Crush based on the facts that he drives a very cool vintage car, ran away from home five years ago under very sketchy circumstances, and has now come back to claim a large sum of money and then disappear into the mist once again. Mystery! Intrigue! Take that, stir in his commitment to doing the right thing, add a dash of his ninja/Navy Seal/criminal/spy/handyman/sniper skills, not to mention his abs of steel and his sketchy career as a private contractor in Iraq turned world-class pilot (?) and you've got yourself the recipe for the man of my dreams! Ah, yes--don't I know how to pick the good ones?

I truly believe that the only thing more fun than a crush is a Fictional Character Crush. The only problem is that, while I'm crushing on a fictional character, I only have eyes for him. (Before you judge me, please note that when I'm crushing on someone IRL--in real life--I also only have eyes for him. I'm just a one-man kind of girl!) I could go out into my real life, meet a perfectly nice, well-spoken young man, and go home thinking "he doesn't have nothing on Jake Green!" But, let's be brutally honest, he probably doesn't.

However, just like any relationship, Fictional Character Crushes are not without their drama. Oh yes, I'll never forget the Great "Sawyer vs. Sayid: Who Do I Love More?" Debate of 2007. Those confusing months actually ended with the realization that it was perhaps neither, and that without knowing it, I had loved Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Blood Diamond, Danny Archer (see Exhibit B), the entire time. Unfortunately, as is common with Leo's characters, he died, so the relationship never really had a chance to go anywhere. These days, I'm having a hard time deciding whether I am truly in love with Jake, or his childhood BFF Stanley Richmond, a true, all-American farm boy next door who loves his mama, Jesus and America, too, in that Tom Petty kind of way, makes you laugh, and doesn't have near the emotional baggage that Jake does.

However, I think that my love for Jake Green was cemented last night in a dream in which I lived in San Diego, where he and I were the best of buddies. (True story, Jake actually lives in San Diego before returning to his home town just in time for the apocalypse. I, however, have never been.) I was looking for a job (as I have been for quite some time now) and was faced with the harsh fact that if I didn't find employment soon, I would have to move back home (that already happened). I turned to Jake and begged him to hire me, since he owned a bar and was in the process of expanding it into a full restaurant, but he refused. (Jake once mentions that he worked at the Pizza Garden in Jericho in high school, but as far as I know, his forays into the food service industry ended there. I suspect this has far more to do with my interview tomorrow at a local winery and restaurant.) Livid, I demanded that he explain why. Much to my surprise, he admitted that he could not hire me because he was in love with me...plus the apocalypse was on its way, but his old friend had just arrived to help out with that, and, between the two of them, he really thought they could make a difference, and would I like to meet his friend? Why, of course. You could imagine my surprise and relief when Sayid from Lost stepped into the room, because, as I have learned, if there is anyone you want to have on your side when you might have to defend yourself, it is a former officer in the Republican Guard who happens to have "a particular set of skills." Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I was thrown into a jail cell for a crime I did not commit, where it was very cold and I only had a hospital gown (?) and a bed of hay to keep me warm, but it wasn't all bad because a friendly, baby rhinoceros came to visit once every three days to keep me company.

I'm expecting that to happen any day now.