I've always wondered how long I needed glasses before I found out that I did. The transformation was amazing--who knew that you were supposed to be able to see each, individual leaf on a tree? And that the font my teacher used in PowerPoint presentations wasn't really that small? And, while I know the practical uses far outweigh the aesthetic, as someone who doesn't like to wear jewelry, being able to accessorize with eyeware presented a fabulous opportunity! Yes, despite the obvious hassles like dirty lenses and no peripheral vision, I was glad to wear glasses. I wouldn't have had it any other way...
Until this one episode of Will & Grace, where Will's response to Jack's new glasses is "boys don't kiss girls who wear glasses." I was a sophomore in college, and had never had a boyfriend or, really, made out with anyone, and I was feeling more and more everyday like there was something "wrong" with me. When I heard that phrase, I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment, and I surreptitiously looked around the room at my friends, hoping they wouldn't put these two obvious ideas together, as I just had. The next day, I asked my friend Zac if he'd ever liked a girl who wore glasses. He said no, and then I told him what I'd heard on Will & Grace, and that I was beginning to think that, maybe, contact lenses were the first step on the road to...you know.
He told me it was high time I got contacts.
The next day, I made an appointment with my eye doctor, to be fitted for contacts. Six months later, I started dating someone. It was a disaster of a relationship, and one that would cause me grief for the next two years, but, hey, sans glasses, I finally made out with a boy.
These days, I wear contacts most of the time anyway, especially when it's sunny, because I like to accessorize with sunglasses. However, in the winter, I'm more apt to sleep a little bit later and leave contacts out of my morning ritual.
Not on date nights, though.
Recently, while preparing for a date, I asked a friend to help me choose between two different outfits. It was an overcast, blustery day, so I wore my glasses to work, but threw my contacts in my purse as I left the apartment that morning. I groaned about having to go put them in, which would inevitably mess up my make-up. She said "dude, you look way cute in glasses!" And she's right--I've always loved the way I look in my glasses.
Just then, an image of Sarah Palin popped into my head. Even I have to admit that, while the woman may be horrendously ugly on the inside, she's pretty smokin' on the outside. And what would she be without her Kawasaki rimless glasses? Just another piece of Alaskan trailer trash! So, I'd like to take this opportunity to extend my thanks to Sarah Palin, for bringing back the sexy librarian look. Or, at least, helping me to come to terms with my own!
(Oh, and, by the way, that date ended with a kiss.)
PS - No, I still won't vote for you. And I think your daughter is a slut. Hell, you're probably a slut, too.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
...What I've Learned So Far (in the kitchen)
1. Always double the amount of tomatoes. Nothing was ever ruined by having too many tomatoes.
2. Always halve the amount of oregano, parsley too. As benign as they seem, there's nothing worse than that leafy, dry, "too much parsley" flavor.
3. Stop adding ingredients when you feel like there's something missing. Put it away and start again tomorrow.
2. Always halve the amount of oregano, parsley too. As benign as they seem, there's nothing worse than that leafy, dry, "too much parsley" flavor.
3. Stop adding ingredients when you feel like there's something missing. Put it away and start again tomorrow.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Someone Who Deserves More
Over the weekend, I met a man named Howard. He's 33, which, by today's standards, is very young. Yet, he seems so much older. While he shared some of his deepest, most personal thoughts, which I am now broadcasting on the internet, he admittedly is very shy. Howard is the type of man I can see, very carefully, making dinner for one, and settling down to watch the History Channel in the evenings. Despite the fact that he wants to settle down with the right woman and have a family, unlike most men in his age group in major metropolitan areas, he is not married, has never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin. He is a man of utmost conviction. That I know of, he has never compromised his integrity to God or to himself. He admitted that he has thought many times of entering the priesthood, but knows that cannot give up his dream of having a family. In my eyes, Howard is not a particularly attractive man, but not unattractive. He is tall, large framed, and has a pleasant laugh and a friendly face. His eyes are especially kind, but have a hint of something else--a certain sadness that isn't perceptible upon first glance. He seems downtrodden. And it is nothing less than heartbreaking to watch.
This is a man who has so much to offer, and has truly lived his life at God's mercy, and, so far, that life has not included that which his heart desires, which is the noblest thing I know of. Dating experts, image consultants and anyone who proclaims to know "what women want," could provide a thousand reasons why Howard is single. He is too shy, perhaps he isn't the take-charge kind of guy. Maybe he's a bit nervous, and socially awkward. Maybe not dating enough has caused him to approach the opposite sex with trepidation, and, like how babies become disgruntled when held by people who feel uncomfortable around babies, women react adversely when they subconsciously pick up on Howard's nervousness. Maybe Howard doesn't know how to dance, and he needs Will Smith to teach him. Maybe the women that are drawn to Howard have different romantic goals than he does. Maybe they view sex differently than he does...I spent my weekend trying to think of ways in which, like Will Smith, I could comb Howard into a person that beautiful women would want to fall in love with. Because, let's face it, ladies--we need more men like Howard to to marry us, to raise our children, and to remind us that being a man means coming home to the same woman every night, making a living for his children, and never compromising his values. As Barack Obama once said, we need less baby daddies, and more fathers.
But, now that I think about it, that was actually pretty selfish of me. Howard even mentioned how he keeps politely declining a female friend's offers to "hook him up," and I missed his point entirely. Howard will not settle. He doesn't need or want to change himself in order to become someone he believes to be deserving of great love.
And now, as I sit here, in the dark, writing in exhaustion, unable to sleep because every time I close my eyes, I think of Howard sitting next to the campfire, enjoying the presence of others, but keeping to himself. As I drank too much wine and belted out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline," and "I Will Survive," Howard sat, contemplating his own life as he stared into the glowing embers, whose warm glow caused everyone else to lower their inhibitions just a little bit.
As I recall Howard's silence, I'm filled with a deep sadness. I know Howard deserves so much more. And I admire him, I truly admire him for having such strong convictions, and for never compromising them.
Although it is the image of Howard's face that has been burned into my mind that reduces me to this blubbering mess, I know that I am not only crying for Howard, but for myself, too, and the parts of me that I see reflected in Howard, and also the parts of me that aren't enough like Howard. And for the fear that I could "end up," just like him.
This is a man who has so much to offer, and has truly lived his life at God's mercy, and, so far, that life has not included that which his heart desires, which is the noblest thing I know of. Dating experts, image consultants and anyone who proclaims to know "what women want," could provide a thousand reasons why Howard is single. He is too shy, perhaps he isn't the take-charge kind of guy. Maybe he's a bit nervous, and socially awkward. Maybe not dating enough has caused him to approach the opposite sex with trepidation, and, like how babies become disgruntled when held by people who feel uncomfortable around babies, women react adversely when they subconsciously pick up on Howard's nervousness. Maybe Howard doesn't know how to dance, and he needs Will Smith to teach him. Maybe the women that are drawn to Howard have different romantic goals than he does. Maybe they view sex differently than he does...I spent my weekend trying to think of ways in which, like Will Smith, I could comb Howard into a person that beautiful women would want to fall in love with. Because, let's face it, ladies--we need more men like Howard to to marry us, to raise our children, and to remind us that being a man means coming home to the same woman every night, making a living for his children, and never compromising his values. As Barack Obama once said, we need less baby daddies, and more fathers.
But, now that I think about it, that was actually pretty selfish of me. Howard even mentioned how he keeps politely declining a female friend's offers to "hook him up," and I missed his point entirely. Howard will not settle. He doesn't need or want to change himself in order to become someone he believes to be deserving of great love.
And now, as I sit here, in the dark, writing in exhaustion, unable to sleep because every time I close my eyes, I think of Howard sitting next to the campfire, enjoying the presence of others, but keeping to himself. As I drank too much wine and belted out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline," and "I Will Survive," Howard sat, contemplating his own life as he stared into the glowing embers, whose warm glow caused everyone else to lower their inhibitions just a little bit.
As I recall Howard's silence, I'm filled with a deep sadness. I know Howard deserves so much more. And I admire him, I truly admire him for having such strong convictions, and for never compromising them.
Although it is the image of Howard's face that has been burned into my mind that reduces me to this blubbering mess, I know that I am not only crying for Howard, but for myself, too, and the parts of me that I see reflected in Howard, and also the parts of me that aren't enough like Howard. And for the fear that I could "end up," just like him.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
You Actually Take This Shit Seriously?
After about six months working at an organization that promotes media reform, I've come to the following conclusion about what people on television think: "the longer I can keep talking, the longer my dick will grow." Seriously, guys, STFU.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
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