Someone Who Deserves More

Over the weekend, I met a man named Howard. He's 33, which, by today's standards, is very young. Yet, he seems so much older. While he shared some of his deepest, most personal thoughts, which I am now broadcasting on the internet, he admittedly is very shy. Howard is the type of man I can see, very carefully, making dinner for one, and settling down to watch the History Channel in the evenings. Despite the fact that he wants to settle down with the right woman and have a family, unlike most men in his age group in major metropolitan areas, he is not married, has never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin. He is a man of utmost conviction. That I know of, he has never compromised his integrity to God or to himself. He admitted that he has thought many times of entering the priesthood, but knows that cannot give up his dream of having a family. In my eyes, Howard is not a particularly attractive man, but not unattractive. He is tall, large framed, and has a pleasant laugh and a friendly face. His eyes are especially kind, but have a hint of something else--a certain sadness that isn't perceptible upon first glance. He seems downtrodden. And it is nothing less than heartbreaking to watch.

This is a man who has so much to offer, and has truly lived his life at God's mercy, and, so far, that life has not included that which his heart desires, which is the noblest thing I know of. Dating experts, image consultants and anyone who proclaims to know "what women want," could provide a thousand reasons why Howard is single. He is too shy, perhaps he isn't the take-charge kind of guy. Maybe he's a bit nervous, and socially awkward. Maybe not dating enough has caused him to approach the opposite sex with trepidation, and, like how babies become disgruntled when held by people who feel uncomfortable around babies, women react adversely when they subconsciously pick up on Howard's nervousness. Maybe Howard doesn't know how to dance, and he needs Will Smith to teach him. Maybe the women that are drawn to Howard have different romantic goals than he does. Maybe they view sex differently than he does...I spent my weekend trying to think of ways in which, like Will Smith, I could comb Howard into a person that beautiful women would want to fall in love with. Because, let's face it, ladies--we need more men like Howard to to marry us, to raise our children, and to remind us that being a man means coming home to the same woman every night, making a living for his children, and never compromising his values. As Barack Obama once said, we need less baby daddies, and more fathers.

But, now that I think about it, that was actually pretty selfish of me. Howard even mentioned how he keeps politely declining a female friend's offers to "hook him up," and I missed his point entirely. Howard will not settle. He doesn't need or want to change himself in order to become someone he believes to be deserving of great love.

And now, as I sit here, in the dark, writing in exhaustion, unable to sleep because every time I close my eyes, I think of Howard sitting next to the campfire, enjoying the presence of others, but keeping to himself. As I drank too much wine and belted out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline," and "I Will Survive," Howard sat, contemplating his own life as he stared into the glowing embers, whose warm glow caused everyone else to lower their inhibitions just a little bit.

As I recall Howard's silence, I'm filled with a deep sadness. I know Howard deserves so much more. And I admire him, I truly admire him for having such strong convictions, and for never compromising them.

Although it is the image of Howard's face that has been burned into my mind that reduces me to this blubbering mess, I know that I am not only crying for Howard, but for myself, too, and the parts of me that I see reflected in Howard, and also the parts of me that aren't enough like Howard. And for the fear that I could "end up," just like him.