My Dirty Little Secret

I did something this afternoon that I once vowed I'd never do. Looking back, I realize that I probably set myself up weeks ago, when I began a ruthless assault against the stacks and stacks of "stuff" piled high in my room, including the books, which, for many years, I've refused to weed out. After all, one can never have too many books, right? Well, when it gets to the point where you start to seriously consider constructing furniture out of them, then the answer is probably yes. Anyway, I should have known yesterday that I was just a few steps away from counting them entirely when I was struck with the brilliant organizational idea to divide them into two piles, one of those that I've read, and one of those that I have yet to read.

I come from a long line of book lovers. No, scratch that--I come from a long line of people who have a sickness and can exert absolutely no control when it comes to buying books. In my family, Knowing exactly how many books you have is like counting the calories in a piece of cheesecake--you're better off just not knowing. But, this afternoon, standing above those books in their neat piles on the floor of my bedroom, I couldn't stop myself from counting. It was as though the devil drove me to do it--tentatively, at first, and then obsessively going over them three times to make sure that my numbers were exact.

Ok, are you ready to hear the grand total? I'll tell you as long as you promise not to tell anyone else. Without counting a fair number that I have on loan to a friend right now, I own 295 books. Yes. Nearly twice my body weight. Actually...even that estimate is a little bit padded, because that is actually just the number of read-able books I own, and does not include textbooks, cookbooks, photography books, reference books and travel guides...or the two sitting next to me on the desk that I'm getting ready to send to a friend. (I promise I wasn't trying to further pad the number, I just forgot about those two.)

Out of those 295 books, I've read, from cover to cover, 84 of them. Out of the 211 remaining, unread books, I have partially read 36 of them. The even dirtier secret is that, just last week, maybe because I subconsciously knew that I would soon feel compelled to find out the number of books I own and publish it on the Internet, I filled two extra-large LL Bean boat and tote bags full of books and sold them to Half Price Books. Without re-filling the bags or searching for the sale receipt, both of which I am much too lazy to do, it is impossible to say how many were sold, but I think that, for the sake of everyone involved, that is a number better left unknown.

I doubt that I'd feel as guilty about admitting the total if it weren't for the fact that the number of books that I've read isn't even half of the number of those that I haven't. I'm not sure if the fact that I read non-fiction, which typically takes longer to get through than fiction accounts for anything, because it seems to me that this would cause a sane person to simply buy fewer books. However, the fact is that honestly, I don't feel that guilty about it. I love books. God, I love them so much. Each book is an opportunity to learn about life by sharing someone else's experiences. I tend to feel lost when I don't have anything to look forward to--when I'm not planning a fantastic trip or a fabulous dinner, and I often feel overwhelmed by my desire to experience, well, everything, and knowing that there's not nearly enough time for it all. It is a great comfort to me to know that I have more than my body weight in unread books, each of them bound to fill my soul with new adventures. And, even now, in the bleakest moments following the realization of my addiction, I still swear that there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world better than a brand new stack of unread books.